when big dreams & fear collide
(hint: it's a whooole LOT of procrastination)
hi, I’m Michelle.
And I'm a lifelong procrastinator.
I don't care HOW long I have, I'm gonna wait till the absolute last minute to get it done. Give me a deadline and 3 weeks to get something done, and I'll sit around thinking about it for 2.5 weeks, then cram ALL the work into just a few days. And the finished product is A+ worthy. (Because I'm a recovering perfectionist, as well.)
And I don't beat myself up for it... I lean into it. Because it's just how my brain works. (Psssst: I'm definitely neurodivergent, and am 99% sure that I'm AuDHD.)
So deadlines are my JAM. Give me a deadline and I'm goooooood. I'm golden. I am detail-oriented. I will do what's required AND a whole lot of bonus stuff, all in a record amount of time.
but…
(and it's a BIG but...
(teehee...I just said "big butt"))...
This makes being a self-employed multi-passionate creative soooooo difficult at times.
Because there AREN'T many concrete deadlines for me to work with.
Don't get me wrong... I absolutely LOVE what I do with my creativity & all... but I've got soooo many ideas that I wanna bring into creation. And without external deadlines in place to make things HAPPEN, I find myself thinking about all these things rather than actually DOING them.
ESPECIALLY when the things I wanna create mean a LOT to me. The more something matters, the harder it is to start. (PS: it doesn't help that getting started is also something my neurodivergent brain struggles with.)
But here's what I've been noticing about my patterns when it comes to my BIG DREAMS...
I will THINK about my big projects/ideas for soooooo long. I'll SEE everything in my head. I'll compose imaginary speeches that could be turned into complete articles & workshops. I will research & sketch out & compile a spiral notebook's worth of plans. And I'll get excited for the process to unfold, and tell myself I'm just waiting for the right time to start.
But instead of taking the tiniest bit of action on the BIG THING that matters so much to me, I'll get distracted by a bunch of smaller things that, for whatever reason, I absolutely haaaaave to do first.
Like doing a load of laundry.
Cleaning the toilets.
De-cluttering my closet.
And even when I AM creative, I'll put smaller, LOWER-RISK creations out into the world (like my recent political shirts), instead of taking baby steps on my BIG stuff.
And I feel like that's what I've been doing this entire year so far.
PROCRASTINATING. 🙈
Because I've got sooooo many BIG ideas, dreams, and GOALS that I wanna bring to life. I've outlined the process, I know the order in which to do things, and I know WHY these things matter so much to me. And some of these big ideas have haunted me for yeeeeeears.
But here I am, dragging my feet, doing NOTHING with them. Precisely because they ARE important to me. And it's the big, important stuff that scares me the most.
Because here's the thing:
As a creative entrepreneur, and being neurodivergent, and a person who wears their heart on their sleeve... I've bellyflopped a LOT in my life. And it stings.
Even though I don't always refer to it as failure (because there are always lessons to be learned, and my dad insisted that it's only a failure if you don't get back up again after you fall)... let me just say that it's happened. A lot.
And that's normal, to some extent. Anytime you try anything new, there is always the possibility of failure. That's just how you learn & grow. You have to actually put yourself out there, and experiment.
And with the smaller creative flops (like product launches that don't sell well), I can brush it off pretty quickly.
But for the big, IMPORTANT-TO-ME stuff... oomph.
That stuff is SCARY. And so I find myself procrastinating in order to avoid the mere possibility of failure.
But I have to remind myself of THESE things over & over again:
If it's not a little bit scary, it's probably not worth doing.
-AND-
Bravery isn't the absence of fear. It's feeling the fear and taking action anyway.
So here I am, in THIS moment.
With a BIG decision to make.
Do I:
Keep playing small & safe, grumbling that I'm "not getting anywhere" and still saying someday to the big stuff? -OR-
Stop procrastinating on these big scary things that I really REALLY want to do??? (Because I HAVE figured out the direction I wanna take with my life & this little biz of mine.)
I don't know about you, but I'm DONE playing small & safe. Even if it's scary.
So here's what I'm gonna DO about it (and YOU can do this for yourself, too):
Write down my BIG overarching plans/dreams/goals, so I can keep moving in the right direction.
List WHY this matters to me, and keeping this list VISIBLE, to help bring me back to these things when I start to get nervous or distracted.
Break down my goals into doable projects for the next 6 weeks, WITH DEADLINES in place.
Share my progress PUBLICLY, so that there's a bit of accountability (even if it's of my own doing).
So that's where I'm at, and what I'm doing about it.
And WHY am I sharing all of this with you?
Because I KNOW that I'm not alone in having big dreams, but getting paralyzed by fear & procrastination.
So if this resonates, keep following along! I'll be posting updates to my blog & instagram page as I go.
And if this inspired YOU to get going on a project of your own, I'd LOVE to hear what you'll be doing to make YOUR big dreams happen! Hit reply & let me know, so I can cheer you on. 🙌
Love,
Chel
PS... YES, I'm being kinda cryptic about WHAT I'll be working on/towards. All will be revealed in time. 💕 Just know that it's gonna be awesome.