Last week I picked my way through the "forest," set up my camera & self-timer, and took some new self-portraits.

But that’s not the story. THIS IS…

It was jarring, to say the least.

I’d been excited to sit down & start editing my most recent self-portraits, but upon seeing the photos on my computer screen... I didn't even recognize myself in them.

Like, I knew it was ME. I was there. I'm the one who set up the tripod & used the self-timer & trudged through the wilderness to take these pics.

But the person staring back at me from Photoshop looked NOTHING like the self-image I still carried around in my head.

Where were my cheekbones?

Where did these fluffy arms come from?

Why is my skin so mottled & splotchy?

How am I this... BIG?

Now LOGICALLY, I shouldn’t have been caught off-guard.

I KNOW I've gained more weight over the years... my clothing sizes getting bigger, my curves getting curvier, my sharp angles disappearing into softness, and new spots and lines decorating my skin.

But in reality, there’s a HUUUUGE difference between knowing something LOGICALLY, and the other DEEPER kind of knowledge that happens when all that logical stuff actually gets integrated into your body, settling into your heart, your soul, and deep in your bones.

Knowledge hits DIFFERENTLY when it's actually integrated into yourSELF.

And apparently I wasn't there yet. Like, I KNEW my body was different, but I didn't KNOW it. (You know? 😜)

And I wasn't "body shaming" myself. Merely observing & reacting.

And getting CURIOUS about all the wild thoughts & emotions flowing through me in the moment.

And here's what I started piecing together...

1. You should never trust your first thought. Psychologically speaking, it's been shown that our first thoughts are mostly reactionary, and aren't even our OWN, but what we've been conditioned/programmed with from outside influences (like it or not). So if you've ever SHOCKED yourself with a thought & wondered where the F did THAT come from? That's where. Bad influences from the past. It's not really YOUR thought. Just ignore it & move on.

2. We don't actually SEE ourselves that often. Yes, I see my face in the bathroom mirror when I'm washing it, or brushing my teeth, or applying sunscreen & moisturizer & 5 minutes' worth of of makeup, or plucking a random chin hair. And I DO see my body in the full-length mirrors of our janky bedroom closet doors as I'm getting in & out of bed, tossing dirty laundry in the basket (or closet floor), or doing a quick "fit-check" before heading out the door. But here's the thing... quick mirror checks typically mean that I'm actually scrutinizing PIECES of my self instead of taking it ALL in, as a whole.

3.The mirror lies. Okay, maybe LIE is the wrong word here. But did you know that what the MIRROR shows you is NOT what other people see when they look at you? Yup yup. The mirror image is FLIPPED; it's backwards. So when you see PHOTOS of yourself... which is how other people see you... it can seem WRONG. “Off” somehow, even if you can’t explain why. And it can be jarring. Because you're seeing yourself "backwards" from the person you see & recognize in the mirror everyday.

4.We’ve been SAYING all the right things, but haven't completely internalized them so they apply to ourselves. Oof... this one hit me kinda hard. So, now that we've all become much more AWARE of the harmful patriarchal, misogynistic, youth-loving brain-washing standards of beauty we were raised with & internalized without even realizing it, we’ve become hyper-aware & have been trying to un-learn that sh*t & DO BETTER. We're stopping ourselves before complimenting someone's LOOKS, or asking if they've lost weight. We've become more body positive, or even just body neutral, saying things like "beautiful isn't a size." And we’re applauding OTHERS for being in bigger bodies & taking up space in the world, and wearing whatever they want while IN those bigger bodies.

But... somehow... that grace e give to others isn't something we know how to give to ourSELVES. So while we're actively cheering OTHERS on for being comfortable in their bigger bodies, or aging gracefully... many of us are still freaking out when it happens to US.

And I GET IT. I'm actively swimming in the middle of this gunk, myself.

Because even though we LOGICALLY know better... the info still hasn't been more deeply integrated into our own bodies, hearts, souls. Not completely. Because it's neither quick nor easy to overcome a LIFETIME of conditioning to literally change the way your brain is wired & start seeing feeling differently. about yourself It's a lot of work, and it takes a LOT of time. And practice. And repetition.

5. We don’t take new photos of ourselves that often. A few years ago when photography was still my main jam, I got in front of the camera a LOT… forcing myself to do so every few months as a reminder of how awkward it could feel, in order to stay connected to what my clients felt & be able to better help them through the process. But after closing down my original photo biz 3 years ago, getting in front of the camera happened less & less.

Yes, my camera roll is filled with random selfies of random moments. But that's waaaaay different than putting my whole self in front of the camera.

And I started noticing a cycle that repeats waaaay too often for most of us women... where I'd have my photo taken, and not "like" the photo of myself (ie, I didn't recognize myself, or over-scrutinized pieces of myself, etc.), so I would AVOID taking any more photos of myself. But the more I avoided the camera, the more I'd dislike any NEW photos of myself, and would avoid the camera even more. (Even though I didn't even REALIZE I was doing this.)

(Sound familiar????)

Now, I could go on & on with a LOT more realizations like this. (And I will in future writings.)

But here’s the big A-HA moment I had after piecing all of these big realizations together…

My MIND-MAP of mySELF was terribly outdated.

Like, in the most literal physical sense of old vs. new neural pathways in the brain… the mental image I still held of myself was soooo old, and pieced together from outdated old photos & a few quick glances in the mirror.

My REALITY had changed, but my self-image hadn't. And when one is so different from the other, there's an emotional & physical disconnect. And as our neural pathways in our brains are designed to keep us “safe,” this can literally feel like a physical shock to the system when new information doesn’t match the old.

And so, even though we KNOW that the mental image that we hold of ourselves is SO IMPORTANT for self-confidence & self-worth… no one has ever TAUGHT US HOW TO ACTUALLY UPDATE our mental maps as our bodies & identities change & transform.

We’ve been given info that we digest & understand at the LOGICAL level. But no one ever showed us how to INTEGRATE this into ourSELVES, so we can literally embody what we know & live & love as our actual selves in the NOW.

**So I'm on a mission to figure this out for myself, and to share everything I learn along the way.**

Because THIS is how we start healing. THIS is how we start dismantling the patriarchal nonsense of beauty standards that we've been brainwashed into. And THIS is how we break the generational trauma it causes... by learning & integrating this stuff into ourselves NOW so that future generations don't have to keep fighting these same battles within themselves.

So... who's WITH ME?????

I have the beginnings of a plan, and a LOT of knowledge to start sharing. And details on HOW to actually start integrating it at the physical level.

So stay tuned. Help & healing is on the way.

Love,
Chel

PS: I actually LOOOOOVE these new photos of myself now. And I WILL be sharing how I got there. SOON. But this letter has gone on long enough, so I'm stopping here for now.